Free Tarek Shams

One year later, my good friend Tarek Shams is being detained for political reasons, while the officers who killed, threw molotoves and rocks in the same events are not even questioned by the investigation judge. Its been alleged that there were instructions to renew his detention for another 30 days, till Feb 12th. Independent judiciary indeed! The military junta is controlling everything and pushing us over a steep ramp to hell. While they might've prevented him from participating in the anticipated revolutionary events of next Jan 25, they have guaranteed that the revolution has gained more than 2000 new activists, evident in his Facebook page #freeTarekShams.

Their square feels like the safest place on earth right now. Ppl r flowing..
These r amazing ppl
#jan25 egypt jan28

The Egyptian revolution

My wife is asking me what's my analysis of the demonstrations happening in Egypt these days. I have none. This is not the time for analysis, we'll have plenty of time for that later. This is the time for action, for energy, for capturing the opportunity of changing this country. The revolution has already happened, by the mere fact that thousands of Egyptians went out to the streets. Egypt is being brought back from the dead, and Egyptians are waking up from their chronic choma. Having it started makes a success already, regardless of how it ends.

I joined Tuesday's demonstrations starting in the Mohandeseen area reaching Tahrir square. It was a beautiful picture of an Egypt many of us didn't think was possible. But Egypt has already proven it can change, and Egyptians have proved they deserve it. The demonstration was well organized and the number of people who joined was a pleasant surprise. Yesterday was a challenge and the riot police and state security had orders to quell the demonstrations before they get bigger with all the means they have.

Friday afternoon is the next big one after the noon prayers. The state security is on their highest alert, and the people will go pray and come out from every mosque to all the major streets. I will be here tomorrow at noon.

I am joining the 60,000 Egyptians planning to be there so far.

Feeling pregnant

It came as a total surprise, when I was least expecting it, and when I was most desiring it. A long fight lasting a few days, I was getting tired. She was very annoyed, causing her to have headaches and vomit twice! Friday morning, after we made up, I wonder, isn't it abit late? I insist on getting a home test, only to have a reason not to go to her friend's party in the middle of the desert. Even though I had little hope the test would be positive so we have reason to cancel the desert trip, it was a complete shock when it did turn positive. Still in doubt, I could not have an affirmation until the blood test result came out the following day.

It does feel weird. On the one hand, its an amazing feeling to know that you're taking part in this great process --creation of a new life, and knowing that this new life is derived from you. An awesome feeling already, even before you see the physical result of it. On the other hand, many worries start to creep into your mind, from pregnancy complications, to birth defects (including the possibility of being a Sagittarius girl), to how your life will dramatically change once this guy is out there in the air.

According to the medical community we're in week 5, to me its only week 1. It only counts when you know about it. So for the last week, I've been reading everything I can about pregnancy, what not to eat, what not to do, what is safe, what's unsafe, phases of pregnancy. For the most part, I want to make sure we're doing things right and am trying to reduce the risks, especially that our lifestyles are so unhealthy. But I also keep reading about all the details of the pregnancy and am eager to find more stuff to read about it, because I want to live the experience and I want to try to feel every phase of the creation of this life that is derived from me. Ofcourse its tiring. She feels exhausted without exerting external effort. Vomiting and nausea are not fun. However, I maybe feeling abit jealous that she's the one going through all this, actively participating in creating that womb, and feeling every bit of this soul's development, and not me!

Capitalism

To my recent kind commenter. Here's my 2 cents worth on Capitalism today with my humble knowledge about money. I don't think Capitalism will fail, because it already did.

I am glad the governments are starting to intervene pumping cash and planning to nationalize banks because it seems this is the only way out of the deep mess free Capitalism got us in. But once that happened, and the government (a republican government) started intervening with the market, its not truly Capitalism anymore.

And what's with all the momentum Obama is gaining. I listen to the guy and its like listening to Marx with all his middle class talk. Its not what he's saying, its the amount of people voting for him despite of what he's saying.

That's why I think Capitalism is already dead.

Thoughts on the Egyptian blogosphere

So I've been wondering everytime I hear about blogging, what happened to the Egyptian blogosphere, how far its gone, and how much it has matured. Its been almost three years since I've been actively blogging, not even reading any of the blogs anymore. I would think that things have changed dramatically during all that time. Can I affirmatively say yes? I'm guessing no. I'm guessing the number of bloggers have probably grown substantially, the word "blogger" has become a well-defined word, active political blogs are on the regime's radar screen in case they need to shut its author up, but that's about it.

Other than growth in number and local recognition of the phenomenan, how has it grown I wonder? Actively loud bloggers are probably more famous and well known in the media and the Internet community, as well as the state security ofcourse. Some bloggers are arrested from time to time, but is that because of a real threat that bloggers present to the regime or because our regime is paranoid and is just utterly stupid and brutal considering what they did with Esraa the Facebook girl!

Three years ago, when I was still blogging the main question I was being asked by all the annoying journalists, was how do I think blogging will progress democracy. My answers were usually that I don't think it will, though blogging has many other valuable benefits. There more to blogging than just politics for sure, which is what most foreign journalists are interested in us for.

I'd imagine there isn't any collective effort by bloggers for a general steady goal, there wasn't any hope of one back when I was blogging, and it just isn't in us. Our collective efforts are always momentary, for immediate goals.

Anyways, so three years later if I want to start blogging again or to find the interesting blogs to follow, I probably wouldn't be able to. Why? because there are so many blogs out there (not as many as there should be for sure), that people wouldn't find my blog and neither would I be able to find the interesting blog to follow, not to mention find the time to read all the crap that bloggers usually write.

One would've thought that during the 5-year period since blogging has been thriving, technology would follow suit and provide the necessary tools to satisfy the blogging community (globally and local to the Egyptian/Arab community), but alas.

How can I find what the Egyptian blogosphere is saying regarding a specific topic or a current event?! Even simple queries, I was simply trying to figure out how many Egyptian blogs there are out there. The EgyBloggers says there are around 1500 blogs, but this is last updated a year and a half ago, and this is assuming that all bloggers submit their blogs there and that they're all active. The Aggregator used to have a list of all the blog feeds it aggregates, but not anymore. The Aggregator seems to be an attempt to collect the Egyptian blogs in one place, but its not useful anymore with so many blogs out there. The blogs are hardly classified (only a very general tag cloud), not to mention that the interface is really ugly, and no one uses the readers' recommendation system which should bump up the most useful blog posts.

I also wonder, why am I writing this in English still?! I used to claim that I write in English because I am much slower in typing Arabic. But hey, I really like this Yamli tool, and I basically use it whenever I want to write anything in Arabic. This is an example of an advance in technology that enables users like myself to write in Arabic and increase the amount of Arabic content on the Internet. I use it, and it made some aspects of my life easier, yet if I would blog I would still blog in English, hmmm. Its a step though. Other companies like Microsoft (with its R&D centers opening in Egypt two years ago) and Google (starting a new dev center in Jordan) are also starting to target the Arab region, with specific technologies in the pipelines for the use of the Arab community. Will they provide us with technologies and tools to empower us, to hook us to their software (like so many got hooked on blogger), where things can be easier, where we can be more vocal and more productive, would that enable us to solve our inherit problem of working together.

Women managers

are bitches with a whip!


(details later)

Doc

Today he went out late on his own. Found him coming back with 10 packs of cigarettes. Was shocked. Without thinking, told him sharply no way, and took it away from him. Never did that with him before. First time that he gets cigarettes after his illness. He is so bored, waiting for his day. Sad and disappointed in us. I know he is terribly lonely. We never talk, yet I know he has so much talk inside of him. He never lets it out.

I love him so much. He made me. The bad and good in me. But he loved me so much, was so obvious throughout my life. He gave so much for us. Dedicated his life for us. His family was everything. His family was his meaning. He always supported me, gave me independence, and I would've never been able to make it without him. As a kid, I was always afraid to lose him. We would've never survived. I could do nothing without him. We were so dependent on him. He did everything for us. I always planned for his day in my mind. It scared me so much so I wanted to be prepared. It scared me that I couldn't survive after him, that I would lose all the security after him, that I kept preparing for that day. I became ready, ready to live without him. Two days ago at the Health Office, I said to myself now I know where it is in case I need to get a death certificate. I am still obsessed with that fact I realized.

Last year was the worst. I observed him. Realized how similar we are, except that we are 42 years apart. I was waiting for my day too, while still in my thirties. Not as great as he is, yet felt we were a replica. Scared me. Knew he had done great, that he was a great man, but not with the standards of today's modern world, with the endless desires of lusty material needs, which he faced with so much strength. Last year was my big doubts about life and its meaning, is it simple joys and desires to be achieved, material goals to achieve which makes you think you are worth something. I questioned him then. Took him out alone on his birthday to probe him on his meaning and how he evaluates his life. Found out he is proud and satisfied. Hoped I would be the same. Realized how little I am.

Told S a couple of months ago we need to do something for him. Create a new meaning for him, a new purpose. We owe him this. I do believe he is depressed, she doesn't. We need to pay him back. He never asks, but I know he wants to feel our care and compassion. He wants to feel us, period. He loves us so much, and genuinely wants our best interest. He is so tired and bored. I know he is waiting for his day, but I know it can be a long wait, and a painful one. I owe him alot, but I am selfish. We are all busy with our problems to care for him enough, to put alittle thought. We feel helpless, and we mostly blame him for it. We want him to live the life we want for him, never thought of what he wants. He never wants much. He loves us. Wants us around him. Wants us to care for him. We owe it to him.

Wanted to take his opinion again today about my relationship, wanted him to speak at length. Looking for support or a differing opinion maybe from someone I value. Advised me to forget it and move on. Once you have someone you love and she loves you back, everything becomes smooth. Forget about the past and move on. There shouldn't be that sort of details and bargaining from parents. Next time get married faster. Things were different at their times.

I realize that I am wrong about him. Everytime we talk I realize he is highly spirited. How come I'm so wrong, thinking and writing all that stuff! I don't understand it seems. Should get to know him better.

Departure

My good buddy at work has decided to leave. Didn't think I would be that much affected by having someone quit his job like I am now. I feel insecure with him leaving, and I feel so selfish by wanting him to stay. I feel he's leaving me behind, or rather I'm leaving myself behind.

I spent 3 hours talking to him today, trying to understand, just trying to figure out why he doesn't see the potential I see, and what he's looking for. He sees his own potential, but doesn't see ours. I kept trying to understand, and then I gave up. Don't try to frame him in my world-view, I said to myself, which is limited by my own capabilities. Imagine having his capabilities, and fly with the possibilities.

I guess I have an infatuation with people who can work with their hands, hardware people. That's partly why we became buddies; after I realized his capabilities and self-motivation. Admired him since, and am admiring him more with his decision to leave. Wouldn't let himself sink, on unplanned dreams or unorganized potentials. Wouldn't float with the unkown, letting himself sink, but direct his destiny.

I feel part of the growth potential of our team has now died. I told him honestly my motivation. I want him to stay, I want him to find himself here, I don't want the team to lose him and lose a big factor of its potential success --which will affect me personally! But I also want him to capitalize on his potential to the max. I just wished it was with this team. I had big hopes for him. I still do, but now in a different place.

I just can't argue with someone who's so driven and motivated, and who wants to save himself from falling, by starting his own business. As hard as it is to me, I tried to be encouraging, because I know this is the right thing to do --if done right. Cautioned him not to put his potential in something with no potential, and to weigh it right, to set the right vision, and to dream on.

Good luck man. Will truly miss you!

Partnership

I've been really worried about us lately. A partnership I cannot stand is one where each partner is living their own separate life, only sharing what they must share. I am in a relationship because I want it to add something to me, and I want to feel that I am adding something to you.

It used to be fun to make fun and be sarcastic of whom I'm with, thinking that this means that we're so close, we know each other so well and we're so comfortable with each other that we can tease each other and be sarcastic and take that lightly. Growing older and being lonely for so long, I never understood how couples would not value each other so much and would not be tremendously caring of each other, whether in private or in public. I made a vow to myself that I do not want to take my partner lightly and I do not want to be sarcastic of my partner, because she will be so valuable when I find her and she would deserve much better than that. I was feeling terrrible lately that part of my reactions were that I was starting to take you lightly and I was starting to bring my old sarcastic self to the surface to counter the negligence feeling I developed from you.

I realized that most of my sarcasm was internal. Internal because I have been fighting myself for so long to stop that sarcastic atittude of mine, and because I promised myself not to introduce that to any relationship I have. But that internal sarcasm was developing as a reaction to your admiting that I should accept your sarcasm about me, and to my feeling that you're not appreciative of me, and that all we're doing is trying to listen to you. I might've been wrong in interpreting that.

I never talk to people whom I don't feel are listening and whom I don't feel they understand. I also never listen to those whom I don't feel they're worth listening to. In a previous relationship, I wasn't able to talk and to share because I felt I was always being judged. Everything I said I felt I'm being judged by, being evaluated, and being reduced to a trivial set of labels which do not define me. What was happening now is different though. I felt unappreciated, and I value my mind too much for it to be unappreciated. And while in other situations I'd take it lightly, in a relationship in which I'm expecting to get so much out of, it affects me strongly. In a relationship that is so core and defines a big part of me, small reactions develop into large feelings, and to reduce those strong feelings which are developing in a direction you don't want, you build a barrier and then start reducing the relationship to a lighter state of affairs. But I do not want that. I do not want a light relationship. I want an intense relationship. One that is at the core of my life, shapes the person that I am, and makes me whole. How can something make me whole that is light, separate and unimportant! I feel dissatisfied when the image of what I want out of a relationship is distorted. It scares me to think that my feelings and flood of emotions would end up being supressed and detached from me because the relationship is not allowing them to be.

I have come to realize today that you have been depressed, that your work --which to a great extent defines who you are-- is not going your way, and that can be a destructive factor. I have come to realize that maybe I was not listening to you well enough, not listening to your feelings and your needs, and only considering my needs and what I want. I did not see how the turn of events at your work, and the turning point in your career is affecting you. I do understand however. I understand what you're going through. I wish I could provide support, but I know it can only be from within yourself.

I've been trying to tell you who I was and how I've become what I am. Brought my handwritten notebook once in hope of reading excerpts of it to you. To get a taste of the dreamer I was, the ambitious and at times naive character that was. Felt you're not interested, so didn't expose. But I want you to fight your fight differently, and I don't want you to fade like I did. You said something that struck me today, that work is not important to me! I don't speak about it because it is so important to me, and because I am so immensely dissapointed in it. I am dissapointed in myself. I took it at this country at many times, and its partly true, but the real truth is that its me. Its me, not doing the right thing, and not putting the right effort. I have learnt to deal with that, and I have reached a somehwat satisfactory state. I have mostly become at peace with what I am and what I'm becoming. I have let go, and while I would've demeaningly looked down at such an atittude in the past, I am accepting it and accepting who I am now with much satisfaction. My discovery of sufism, and my approach to God and His power in that last year has helped me reach this state. Its a state of power which I derived from my tremendous weakness that I felt. Its a power that I feel by knowing my limitations. Its the control I gain by knowing how much we don't control. Its the sanity I have by knowing that I'd become insane thinking that what I want is what I'll get, regardless of who I am. Its the satisfaction I get by trying and then accepting the results. Yes, its also partly loving myself, for the qualities that God created in me, for the uniqueness of who I am, from His qualities that are abundant in His creations. I begin now a new journey, realizing how trivial my initial goals where, which turned my life around, controlled me, and made me think that those goals are what defines me, and achieving them are what makes me what I want to be --as if what I wanted to be is worthwhile enough. In that journey, I am in search of a meaning.

Two months later

"Yes. I am selfish."

"Your heavy energy is transfered to me. Its hard to breath."

"We must open that wall, its dark and I need the light." "We're keeping the wall."

"Yikes. That's ugly (your taste)."

Facial expression of disgust.

"He wants this wierd table. Will you tell him that there's no such thing."

"I love this stuff, this is what we should do."

"I don't love him as much as I love you."

"Its just that I need to trigger you to talk sometimes. You need an overall change. I think when we start living together you will manage to have goals in life again."

"So? Tell me a story. Tell me a story. Tell me a story."

"This food is bad. It has no taste. So why did you bring us here?"

"I just want to fill gas. Why did you take me to this street? uff"

"Oh, Why did you tell me to go through this street? I like to take Kasr elNile."

"Are you bored of me?"

"So, is this mood of yours normal? What happened to the guy who wouldn't stop talking?"

Hellish Heaven

Why would man never be satisied with Plato's Utopia? because of greed and luxury, he argues. Men are not content with a simple life; they are acquisitive, ambitious, competitive, and jealous. They soon tire of what they have, and pine for what they have not; and they seldom desire anything unless it belongs to others.

Isn't Heaven as it is described to us a Utopia of the sort. A garden where everything is served, all the physical needs. How are the other human needs served in Heaven though; power, ambition, competiteveness, self-esteem? or is part of being in Heaven, is that our needs change, we become content by having everything we can imagine. We seek nothing further, we have answers to all our questions, and we are fulfilled. Then my old question comes back to life; for how long? what kind of a heaven is this, where we do nothing, seek nothing, get everything, look-forward for nothing, happy with everything! For how long is that sustainable? For how long can we call that Heaven? for how long can we bare that? That is certainly not a humanly heaven. Humans would not be content with that. Life on Earth can easily turn to such a Utopia if that's all we humans need. But as Plato rightly noted, it never arrives.

Heaven then is not for us Humans as "we" are. It is a heaven for different beings. For beings that can be content by the heavenly fullfilment of their needs. It is a heaven for pure souls maybe. Souls that God collects back. Souls that can be one again with the One. So it is not a heaven for us, but for Him. Were do we go though, the remaining of us, our impurities: we go to hell.

Can Hell really be fire and pain. Endless pain. How would that be different than life? When we go to Hell, and in our endless suffering, do we ever try to improve our status there, reduce the pain, question why we went there, look for ways to turn off the fire? Do we become believers then. Will we see that sign, or like the many signs before it in life, we'll choose not to. If we don't, won't we work hard to change our destinies to get out of Hell. Does it remain Hell then, or another form of life? If we do see the sign and believe, do we get that one last chance to move to Heaven --where its really a heaven for us, but for a different part of our beings. If we remain there, accepting the endless pain, do we turn it by that into another form of heaven?

We are not reincarnated the same. We become different, and our needs and definitions must be different. So, will "I" be pleased or agonized in the hereafter, or some other form of me, and how do I relate to that thereafter then? What will be the definition of pain then? the fact of infinity?

She's undead

They look great together. He looks temendously happy, calmly happy.. she looks beautiful. God, he's a very lucky man. I know she died, but that looks like it was a perfect relationship. Everything ends, but not everything lasts for so long so well, and ends by a third party in a natural way like that. He will miss her, he will be sad, but he is blessed and maybe he doesn't know it. His sadness will be valuable, for something that never left him, for someone that he'll cherish and will remember forever. What they had will now be eternal. God be with him in his loneliness, but she'll keep him company, his sadness will keep him company, his memories will keep him company. He'll rediscover life, carrying his memories, searching for a reason maybe. Why did she go, why now? why was it so good? What should he look forward to? he might not find answers. He might find sadness in his questions, find sorrow in remembering her, find loneliness in looking forward. But she doesn't have to be with him for them to be together, and she might be still present helping him rediscover this life. She's never gone, she's just not there.

M

Yes, I had forgotten about that fairouz tape. I really can't afford to have our friendship shaken, especially after its grown so well over the last period. It is a great connection to me, and I had great times with you. Cinderella one of them, Mohandeseen cafe another, and just calling you casually and doing something. But most important is that I feel comfortable opening up and talking to you, about whatever. You know me so well its amazing to me. On the one hand it scares me, and on the other I just love it. I like to think I know you a little bit too.

You are right, that I consciously and subconsciously slowly disappear from my "female-relationships", but I really don't wanna do this with you. I appreciate this friendship too much. Really, thanks again for the good words. They really mean alot to me, and I'm really sorry for being an asshole.

Yeah, you're like a perfect sister, a very close person whom I can trust (both your actions and judgements), and you provide me with very good support. I really do appreciate you and your opinions, and I am very proud of you actually. You know how much I like it that you know me so well, and that I like to think I know you so well too. Although it seems you're missing some stuff in me lately, thinking that I'm sometimes not that sincere.

I wish you can be more accessbile than you have been lately, but I respect your space as usual, but its always comforting knowing you're there. Life is really tough you know, and I realized how valuable and rare it is to have such good and close people in one's lives who really make a difference. So with you, unlike many others, I always keep trying, always check on you, always trying to make sure you're around. So do feel free ofcourse, but please affirm your presence.

Thanks for being my good friend.

How to fly

I also am very possessive, I also want to be your best friend, your buddy and at the same time your lover and perfect partner. You are already my best friend and are on your way to becoming my lover. I'd like you to have all the friends in the world, best friends, close friends, but I'd like to be in a special status on a different level all together. That's not a request, that's a hope. If I'm mixed with the rest of the friends, counted with the rest of the relationships, measured with the same scale, then I'd rather be just one of them --a special friend. Yet, if I'm only a lover and partner, with a mediocre friendship then this relationship is definetely not fulfilling --to either of us.

I don't care if I'm your lover now, if you love me or not yet. I care that you can share yourself with me, all of yourself, even what you can't share with your own self. I care that you value me as a person. I care that you appreciate me and see in me what I might not see in myself. I care that you love yourself when you're with me. I care that you are comfortable and satisfied with me, believing it can last forever when you look way ahead in the future. If that all exists, then you love me, so I don't care to hear the word and get those kisses, I just care to feel that. I'd rather be your absolute best friend and life partner than just be your lover. That is what I need.

I will give you time, and allow you to be. I'm not pushing anything, and am not demanding anything. I'm just telling you my expectations, not of you, but of this relationship. I think you've been great with me, fair and respectable, honest and natural. I enjoy your sharing and trust. I think your investment so far is just fine. Investing more might scare me, making it artificial. I love it as it is and I want it to evolve as it has been. Just hoping in the direction I desire.

So today I'm loving it, and I'm loving how you are. Its just my mind leaping into the future and setting my expectation in this relationship. So I think its good to tell you now, so you know what can make me drop and what can make me fly then.

Becoming whole

Both our letters pronounced together form a very important and a vital word in the science of Yoga: OM.

"It's a tool, a phenomenon, a mystery. To many people, om is just a word chanted in meditation or as a closing prayer in yoga practice. However, translator notes that according to the ancient Indian traditions preserved in the Upanishads, all speech and thought are derived from one sound om. It expresses the ultimate reality."

Everytime I read your name in my mail, and associate it with the person I meet almost daily, linking it to that incredible internal image of the soul that is touching me so strongly these days, I smile inside!

What are you doing to me? How come you're making me so satisfied, by just being yourself, and nothing more. How come I'm so comfortable and at ease with you. Comfortable when I'm silent and comfortable when I'm talking. Comfortable when I'm vulnerable, and comfortable when I'm worried.

Could you really be my soul-mate? Did that dream really exist all along, and I was just in denial. Could it be true, someone will at last make me whole? Oh God, that's all I want! I feel it happening. How heavenly that would be, I wonder. Could God be really rewarding me for wanting this so much my whole life? Took abit longer than I had hoped for, but God sure works in mysterious ways. Just in time when I am ready to truly appreciate someone as beautiful as you.

Allah. Lead me. Take me closer. I feel I'm getting there. Bless this, for it is what will keep me going. I believe now. In the power of the souls. Those souls You've blown into. For I am starting to feel it, to see it. I can feel Your presence now. The numbness is fading. Love You God, for You are so Great and Merciful. Please forgive me.

Work chatting

Manager: mohamed
Mohamed: yes
Manager: i saw ur mail
Mohamed: what do u think?
Manager: i know sherif ...ya3ni keda men be3eed le be3eed
Manager: the rest i don't know
Mohamed: any input?
Manager: he was on assignments to region (dubai ...
Manager: all the feedback I hear about him is good
Mohamed: gets things done?
Manager: hmmm .. don't know
Mohamed: 7ayban
Manager: no one really told me any story about him
Manager: i started reading a bit preface of the book while on a boring conf call
Mohamed: interesting?
Manager: i have never read deeply in sufism before .. just read the concepts ..actually from my studies in the islamic ma3had
Mohamed: but do they stereotype them in the ma3had?
Manager: interesting ... bas mawdou3 darwish we dreams we 7agat deh ... mesh 3arfa
Manager: will read till the end then tell you my opinion
Mohamed: yeah..
Manager: well, it depends on the professor of the subject
Manager: some professors were anti sufism in general
Manager: so they would comment in somewhat negative way
Mohamed: yeah
Manager: some were pro sufism ..so they would say .. we have to look for the real sufism
Manager: since there is distorted one
Mohamed: right.. this is true
Manager: actually .. the danger in this .. is that the distorted one might get you in martaba or marateb elsherk
Manager: so ..some just skip it altogther to avoid the danger
Mohamed: right.. but they're missing alot
Manager: when ppl believe so much in sheikh or listen to him more than they should
Manager: or think that he is capable of doing things and forgetting that Allah is the one doing everything ...the rest is all means
Manager: I agree that they are missing a lot
Mohamed: this is the role of the sheikh.. to make sure his picture is not distorted.. he's only a teacher
Manager: bas .. u know .. when ppl praise someone a lot ..they corrupt him
Mohamed: well.. that's why he's a sheikh.. he shouldn't get corrupted
Manager: and sometimes ..the sheikh is good and pure in intentions ..then he dies
Manager: and his followers make wrong things on his behalf
Mohamed: that's a different story.. we're humans
Mohamed: and avoiding spirituality alltogether it doesn't help
Manager: so ... basically ... the danger is your opening the door for a lot of misconceptions and delusions
Manager: I agree ..
Mohamed: yeah.. but closing the doors is never the right way
Manager: sure ...
Manager: the thing is: one of the beauties of islam is that you relationship w/ Allah is direct
Manager: when you invest effort to get close to him ..he opens doors for you to get closer
Mohamed: someone said once.. its direct from him to us.. but not necessarily so from us to him
Manager: i don't think I fully agree with this
Mohamed: look at him as a guide.. a spiritual guide
Manager: who ..the sheikh ?
Mohamed: we seek teacher and guidance in the little things in life..
Mohamed: how about the really hard stuff to realize.. your soul?
Manager: i understand this .. all I am saying is you have to be alert ..since he is human ..he can make mistakes ..and not everything he says is to be taken for granted
Mohamed: sure
Mohamed: ofcourse
Manager: ok ..then we agree
Manager: I don't mind the guidance by a sheikh
Manager: I would mind the guidane of one sheikh ... and following him like he knows it all and he will take me where I wnat to go
Mohamed: it doesn't have to be like that
Manager: ok .. asl this is a hot topic between me & my brother on one side and my father on another side
Mohamed: why so?
Manager: I just told you my opinion ..and this is the same stand my brother follows
Mohamed: what about ur dad?
Manager: however my father spent a big part of his youth following one sheikh
Mohamed: interesting.. where?
Manager: he is pure and all
Manager: bas ...
Manager: not everyone around him is
Mohamed: akeed
Mohamed: definetely
Manager: he's dead for many years now
Mohamed: but where was he?
Manager: in a village beside Tanta
Manager: my father's family is originally from tanta
Manager: i still have realtives there
Manager: elmohem ...
Manager: where did u go ?
Mohamed: well i don't have a sheikh.. i'm just reading and talking to ppl
Manager: yes ..it's fine
Manager: we know some ppl and we go visit them sometimes
Mohamed: which tareeqa?
Manager: I just see that the way ..me & my brother deals with this is different from the way my father does it
Mohamed: akeed.. he's seen more than u.. so he's wiser
Manager: I did not mean this
Mohamed: (i know)
Mohamed: so what happened after the sheikh died?
Manager: hold on ..khaled kalemny
Mohamed: ok
Manager: am back
Manager: well, after the sheik died .. (i remember him vaguely but i saw him few times) ...
Manager: his followers continued the same setup they used to have when he lived
Mohamed: well they can't without a sheikh i guess!!
Mohamed: so they ruin it
Manager: they all treat his son as khalifa .. but he is not taking up this role
Manager: and I am against this
Manager: any way .. my father meets w/ them sometimes
Mohamed: and what does he think of his son?
Manager: he ? my father?
Mohamed: yes
Manager: well, my father has this utmost respect for the sheikh allah yer7amoh ... he thinks so highly of him and speaks of him like a ...
Manager: so .. he treats his son in the same way
Manager: but he never says that he is khalifa
Mohamed: right.. but he doesn't consdier him a sheikh
Mohamed: right
Mohamed: ur father feels it
Manager: may be
Manager: what worries me
Mohamed: but does he feel emptiness without the sheikh?
Manager: this is really an interesting question
Manager: i never though of it this way
Manager: i never thought of it
Mohamed: no replacement?
Manager: no
Mohamed: tough
Manager: look .. i respect my father a lot and I love that he spent all of his life in mosques and in serious stuff
Manager: but what worries me is that .. i feel sometimes that there are some fundamental stuff that can be missing
Manager: i don't know how to explain
Manager: let's go back to sufism
Mohamed: the most fundamental thing is connecting with God.. finding urself in relation to God.. fundemental but the toughest thing to achieve
Manager: yes .. but you get to this by putting Allah ahead of everything ..which we are not strong enough to do sometimes
Mohamed: who is Allah?
Manager: what do you mean ?
Mohamed: u talk of Him as if he's a person or thing.. that u place somewhere
Mohamed: rather.. u feel.. and become one with
Manager: hmmm
Manager: well, don't know about becoming one w/ him
Mohamed: and that's a difficult state to reach
Manager: but no ..i don't agree
Manager: you don't become one w/ him
Mohamed: why so?
Mohamed: didn't he blow into our souls
Mohamed: isn't He the Creator
Mohamed: The One
Manager: yes, he did
Manager: yes, He is
Mohamed: how can he be there and we have something of Him at the same time!
Mohamed: if he is one
Manager: bas ..He says in Kor2an .. Nothing is like HIM
Mohamed: definetely.. and we are NOT him
Mohamed: but the creation is a reflection of His greatness
Mohamed: we are His creation.. His reflection
Manager: look ..He is with you .. with his Knowledge .. His
Manager: basira
Mohamed: He is the definition of those qualities
Manager: yes ...
Manager: my view is: You need to be connected to Him
Mohamed: sure
Mohamed: but how?
Manager: you live as He is the director of your life, your actions
Manager: your feelings and your priorities
Manager: He told you How
Mohamed: when He created you?
Manager: and when he sent you messengers to tell you How
Manager: doing everything that is "good" according to Allah's definition not our
Manager: avoiding anything that is "bad" according to Allah's definition not ours
Mohamed: yeah.. but this "doing" what about "being"
Manager: following his orders and avoiding his "nawahy"
Manager: yes ..bas being is a direct result of doing
Mohamed: What do you feel when you pray? (private question, don't have to answer)
Mohamed: or is it doing is a direct result of being
Manager: khaled kalemny tany ..
Mohamed: kheir?
Manager: beyes2al 3la 5 more members to be added
Mohamed: he wants to add them now?
Manager: sorry .. let's continue
Manager: he is asking when ..because he wants to hire someone
Mohamed: hire still?!!
Manager: bas he is not enough experience
Manager: so I told him ..same rules apply
Mohamed: i can't believe this.. he'll hire someone we rejected!
Manager: ya salam ..is this the one ?
Mohamed: i guess so
Manager: wow ..
Mohamed: i don't know.. bass he's the only one i know he met
Manager: I told him that the candidate will go through the qualification process
Manager: he is saying he is good
Mohamed: 3ageeb khaled
Manager: any way ..back .. egg & chicken ..being or doing ?
Mohamed: yeah..
Manager: my thinking of this is:
Mohamed: being tab3an
Manager: you have your true nature .. pure one .. before being corrupted by environment
Mohamed: sure
Manager: this is the initial being .. then comes the external factors
Manager: and then doing is what keeps your connection w/ Allah ..so your being gets more strong through soul food
Mohamed: "You have been created in the best form, yet you can become of a lowest form"
Manager: to fight the external factors
Manager: yes
Manager: true ..when you give up your connection to Allah
Mohamed: we don't disagree u know
Manager: and we change into animals ..living to eat and reproduce
Manager: yes ..I know ..we agree
Mohamed: its how to reach that connection i guess that we're not sure of
Mohamed: or me atleast
Manager: well, I am not either .. I am just following a certain path
Mohamed: right.. follow the path they say
Manager: and so far ..
Manager: who is they ?
Mohamed: sufis :)
Manager: general ..u mean
Manager: :)
Manager: well, rasoul allah said it before them and Allah before all
Mohamed: yes.. exactly
Mohamed: see, so we're all sufis
Manager: yes
Manager: in the true concept
Manager: for sure yes
Manager: see .. I tell you that you surprise me
Mohamed: leih bass.. aren't we all searching
Manager: well ..
Manager: i guess yes
Mohamed: we're just not all ready yet i guess
Manager: yes ..i agree
Mohamed: anyway.. that was good.. thanks
Manager: I think so too ... thanks to you too

Love begins

The embryo is well protected. Takes a while to conceive. You know its there but can't touch it or get close. Then you only see it on the remote screen and feel it in your tommy. Then its gender is revealed. Then its delivered and only then is it realized.

Life begins

Triggered

Sitting in my balcony smoking a cigarette (I hope I never develop that habit). For three days now I wake up at 6 and can't finish my sleep. Thoughts of how she is abrupts my sleep. Triggered me from the first instance, and still does, but now in a much mellow way. Love to watch her. Watching all the angles. Don't want to miss a piece.

She's part of the scene, one with the surrounding, yet surely stands out. Very natural and unreserved. Free as a bird that's hopping on the ground. Her essence is Egyptian who values tradition, arriving from an outer world, but shares our space.

Does she remind me of the qualities I like most in the closest women in my life? What triggers me? I think I see in her what I would've liked to be! I keep asking for more, can't grasp she's real.

Pleased with the thought she's comfortable with me. Don't want to intrigue nor interest her, just want her to be, and allow me to watch.

She thinks we're similar. I don't see that. Maybe the non-obvious part in her is what connects with me.

"Through woman does man become whole, finds himself and then can find his Lord". Why is it through women that I try to find myself?!

Meaning

In search of meaning. Its still not obvious. Is it replaceable with a goal? or a dream? Set a goal or have a dream and and you've created your own meaning? Shouldn't your goals and dreams be a reflection of your understanding and your definition? Then, the meaning becomes a cause. A cause for motivation, a cause for passion. What drives you? The meaning drives your passion and motivation to reach a certain goal.

Here are some options. But which should I pick?!

I. Its all about me. What I become. What I achieve. How I develop. How powerful I become. How much I'm worth. How much good I do. How I help others. How others perceive me. How I can save Myself. Whether its now or in the hereafter, its about me. Its about being happy. Its about being saved. Its about being better. Its about who I am and what I do now, and about my legacy then.

Him. Its all about Him. Believing in Him. Worshiping Him. Everything we do is for His sake. Anything we do is a mean to His end. He is the Creator, He is the Owner, we are His creation, and we are created by Him for Him, and that's all what its about. Worshiping comes in different forms, rituals, rememberance, worldly achievements, self-discipline and societal building. The effort you do is what counts, because the end result is in His hands.

None. There is no meaning. Its all haphazard. Just get along. Its a big mess, and you just happen to exist. Big chaos. Nonesense. I am here, but it doesn't really matter. Its a coincidence. Its what we make. Yet we can't make it all.