Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Today he went out late on his own. Found him coming back with 10 packs of cigarettes. Was shocked. Without thinking, told him sharply no way, and took it away from him. Never did that with him before. First time that he gets cigarettes after his illness. He is so bored, waiting for his day. Sad and disappointed in us. I know he is terribly lonely. We never talk, yet I know he has so much talk inside of him. He never lets it out.

I love him so much. He made me. The bad and good in me. But he loved me so much, was so obvious throughout my life. He gave so much for us. Dedicated his life for us. His family was everything. His family was his meaning. He always supported me, gave me independence, and I would've never been able to make it without him. As a kid, I was always afraid to lose him. We would've never survived. I could do nothing without him. We were so dependent on him. He did everything for us. I always planned for his day in my mind. It scared me so much so I wanted to be prepared. It scared me that I couldn't survive after him, that I would lose all the security after him, that I kept preparing for that day. I became ready, ready to live without him. Two days ago at the Health Office, I said to myself now I know where it is in case I need to get a death certificate. I am still obsessed with that fact I realized.

Last year was the worst. I observed him. Realized how similar we are, except that we are 42 years apart. I was waiting for my day too, while still in my thirties. Not as great as he is, yet felt we were a replica. Scared me. Knew he had done great, that he was a great man, but not with the standards of today's modern world, with the endless desires of lusty material needs, which he faced with so much strength. Last year was my big doubts about life and its meaning, is it simple joys and desires to be achieved, material goals to achieve which makes you think you are worth something. I questioned him then. Took him out alone on his birthday to probe him on his meaning and how he evaluates his life. Found out he is proud and satisfied. Hoped I would be the same. Realized how little I am.

Told S a couple of months ago we need to do something for him. Create a new meaning for him, a new purpose. We owe him this. I do believe he is depressed, she doesn't. We need to pay him back. He never asks, but I know he wants to feel our care and compassion. He wants to feel us, period. He loves us so much, and genuinely wants our best interest. He is so tired and bored. I know he is waiting for his day, but I know it can be a long wait, and a painful one. I owe him alot, but I am selfish. We are all busy with our problems to care for him enough, to put alittle thought. We feel helpless, and we mostly blame him for it. We want him to live the life we want for him, never thought of what he wants. He never wants much. He loves us. Wants us around him. Wants us to care for him. We owe it to him.

Wanted to take his opinion again today about my relationship, wanted him to speak at length. Looking for support or a differing opinion maybe from someone I value. Advised me to forget it and move on. Once you have someone you love and she loves you back, everything becomes smooth. Forget about the past and move on. There shouldn't be that sort of details and bargaining from parents. Next time get married faster. Things were different at their times.

I realize that I am wrong about him. Everytime we talk I realize he is highly spirited. How come I'm so wrong, thinking and writing all that stuff! I don't understand it seems. Should get to know him better.