Sunday, November 26, 2006


Yes, I had forgotten about that fairouz tape. I really can't afford to have our friendship shaken, especially after its grown so well over the last period. It is a great connection to me, and I had great times with you. Cinderella one of them, Mohandeseen cafe another, and just calling you casually and doing something. But most important is that I feel comfortable opening up and talking to you, about whatever. You know me so well its amazing to me. On the one hand it scares me, and on the other I just love it. I like to think I know you a little bit too.

You are right, that I consciously and subconsciously slowly disappear from my "female-relationships", but I really don't wanna do this with you. I appreciate this friendship too much. Really, thanks again for the good words. They really mean alot to me, and I'm really sorry for being an asshole.

Yeah, you're like a perfect sister, a very close person whom I can trust (both your actions and judgements), and you provide me with very good support. I really do appreciate you and your opinions, and I am very proud of you actually. You know how much I like it that you know me so well, and that I like to think I know you so well too. Although it seems you're missing some stuff in me lately, thinking that I'm sometimes not that sincere.

I wish you can be more accessbile than you have been lately, but I respect your space as usual, but its always comforting knowing you're there. Life is really tough you know, and I realized how valuable and rare it is to have such good and close people in one's lives who really make a difference. So with you, unlike many others, I always keep trying, always check on you, always trying to make sure you're around. So do feel free ofcourse, but please affirm your presence.

Thanks for being my good friend.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

How to fly

I also am very possessive, I also want to be your best friend, your buddy and at the same time your lover and perfect partner. You are already my best friend and are on your way to becoming my lover. I'd like you to have all the friends in the world, best friends, close friends, but I'd like to be in a special status on a different level all together. That's not a request, that's a hope. If I'm mixed with the rest of the friends, counted with the rest of the relationships, measured with the same scale, then I'd rather be just one of them --a special friend. Yet, if I'm only a lover and partner, with a mediocre friendship then this relationship is definetely not fulfilling --to either of us.

I don't care if I'm your lover now, if you love me or not yet. I care that you can share yourself with me, all of yourself, even what you can't share with your own self. I care that you value me as a person. I care that you appreciate me and see in me what I might not see in myself. I care that you love yourself when you're with me. I care that you are comfortable and satisfied with me, believing it can last forever when you look way ahead in the future. If that all exists, then you love me, so I don't care to hear the word and get those kisses, I just care to feel that. I'd rather be your absolute best friend and life partner than just be your lover. That is what I need.

I will give you time, and allow you to be. I'm not pushing anything, and am not demanding anything. I'm just telling you my expectations, not of you, but of this relationship. I think you've been great with me, fair and respectable, honest and natural. I enjoy your sharing and trust. I think your investment so far is just fine. Investing more might scare me, making it artificial. I love it as it is and I want it to evolve as it has been. Just hoping in the direction I desire.

So today I'm loving it, and I'm loving how you are. Its just my mind leaping into the future and setting my expectation in this relationship. So I think its good to tell you now, so you know what can make me drop and what can make me fly then.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Becoming whole

Both our letters pronounced together form a very important and a vital word in the science of Yoga: OM.

"It's a tool, a phenomenon, a mystery. To many people, om is just a word chanted in meditation or as a closing prayer in yoga practice. However, translator notes that according to the ancient Indian traditions preserved in the Upanishads, all speech and thought are derived from one sound om. It expresses the ultimate reality."

Everytime I read your name in my mail, and associate it with the person I meet almost daily, linking it to that incredible internal image of the soul that is touching me so strongly these days, I smile inside!

What are you doing to me? How come you're making me so satisfied, by just being yourself, and nothing more. How come I'm so comfortable and at ease with you. Comfortable when I'm silent and comfortable when I'm talking. Comfortable when I'm vulnerable, and comfortable when I'm worried.

Could you really be my soul-mate? Did that dream really exist all along, and I was just in denial. Could it be true, someone will at last make me whole? Oh God, that's all I want! I feel it happening. How heavenly that would be, I wonder. Could God be really rewarding me for wanting this so much my whole life? Took abit longer than I had hoped for, but God sure works in mysterious ways. Just in time when I am ready to truly appreciate someone as beautiful as you.

Allah. Lead me. Take me closer. I feel I'm getting there. Bless this, for it is what will keep me going. I believe now. In the power of the souls. Those souls You've blown into. For I am starting to feel it, to see it. I can feel Your presence now. The numbness is fading. Love You God, for You are so Great and Merciful. Please forgive me.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Work chatting

Manager: mohamed
Mohamed: yes
Manager: i saw ur mail
Mohamed: what do u think?
Manager: i know sherif ...ya3ni keda men be3eed le be3eed
Manager: the rest i don't know
Mohamed: any input?
Manager: he was on assignments to region (dubai ...
Manager: all the feedback I hear about him is good
Mohamed: gets things done?
Manager: hmmm .. don't know
Mohamed: 7ayban
Manager: no one really told me any story about him
Manager: i started reading a bit preface of the book while on a boring conf call
Mohamed: interesting?
Manager: i have never read deeply in sufism before .. just read the concepts ..actually from my studies in the islamic ma3had
Mohamed: but do they stereotype them in the ma3had?
Manager: interesting ... bas mawdou3 darwish we dreams we 7agat deh ... mesh 3arfa
Manager: will read till the end then tell you my opinion
Mohamed: yeah..
Manager: well, it depends on the professor of the subject
Manager: some professors were anti sufism in general
Manager: so they would comment in somewhat negative way
Mohamed: yeah
Manager: some were pro sufism they would say .. we have to look for the real sufism
Manager: since there is distorted one
Mohamed: right.. this is true
Manager: actually .. the danger in this .. is that the distorted one might get you in martaba or marateb elsherk
Manager: so ..some just skip it altogther to avoid the danger
Mohamed: right.. but they're missing alot
Manager: when ppl believe so much in sheikh or listen to him more than they should
Manager: or think that he is capable of doing things and forgetting that Allah is the one doing everything ...the rest is all means
Manager: I agree that they are missing a lot
Mohamed: this is the role of the sheikh.. to make sure his picture is not distorted.. he's only a teacher
Manager: bas .. u know .. when ppl praise someone a lot ..they corrupt him
Mohamed: well.. that's why he's a sheikh.. he shouldn't get corrupted
Manager: and sometimes ..the sheikh is good and pure in intentions ..then he dies
Manager: and his followers make wrong things on his behalf
Mohamed: that's a different story.. we're humans
Mohamed: and avoiding spirituality alltogether it doesn't help
Manager: so ... basically ... the danger is your opening the door for a lot of misconceptions and delusions
Manager: I agree ..
Mohamed: yeah.. but closing the doors is never the right way
Manager: sure ...
Manager: the thing is: one of the beauties of islam is that you relationship w/ Allah is direct
Manager: when you invest effort to get close to him ..he opens doors for you to get closer
Mohamed: someone said once.. its direct from him to us.. but not necessarily so from us to him
Manager: i don't think I fully agree with this
Mohamed: look at him as a guide.. a spiritual guide
Manager: who ..the sheikh ?
Mohamed: we seek teacher and guidance in the little things in life..
Mohamed: how about the really hard stuff to realize.. your soul?
Manager: i understand this .. all I am saying is you have to be alert ..since he is human ..he can make mistakes ..and not everything he says is to be taken for granted
Mohamed: sure
Mohamed: ofcourse
Manager: ok ..then we agree
Manager: I don't mind the guidance by a sheikh
Manager: I would mind the guidane of one sheikh ... and following him like he knows it all and he will take me where I wnat to go
Mohamed: it doesn't have to be like that
Manager: ok .. asl this is a hot topic between me & my brother on one side and my father on another side
Mohamed: why so?
Manager: I just told you my opinion ..and this is the same stand my brother follows
Mohamed: what about ur dad?
Manager: however my father spent a big part of his youth following one sheikh
Mohamed: interesting.. where?
Manager: he is pure and all
Manager: bas ...
Manager: not everyone around him is
Mohamed: akeed
Mohamed: definetely
Manager: he's dead for many years now
Mohamed: but where was he?
Manager: in a village beside Tanta
Manager: my father's family is originally from tanta
Manager: i still have realtives there
Manager: elmohem ...
Manager: where did u go ?
Mohamed: well i don't have a sheikh.. i'm just reading and talking to ppl
Manager: yes's fine
Manager: we know some ppl and we go visit them sometimes
Mohamed: which tareeqa?
Manager: I just see that the way & my brother deals with this is different from the way my father does it
Mohamed: akeed.. he's seen more than u.. so he's wiser
Manager: I did not mean this
Mohamed: (i know)
Mohamed: so what happened after the sheikh died?
Manager: hold on ..khaled kalemny
Mohamed: ok
Manager: am back
Manager: well, after the sheik died .. (i remember him vaguely but i saw him few times) ...
Manager: his followers continued the same setup they used to have when he lived
Mohamed: well they can't without a sheikh i guess!!
Mohamed: so they ruin it
Manager: they all treat his son as khalifa .. but he is not taking up this role
Manager: and I am against this
Manager: any way .. my father meets w/ them sometimes
Mohamed: and what does he think of his son?
Manager: he ? my father?
Mohamed: yes
Manager: well, my father has this utmost respect for the sheikh allah yer7amoh ... he thinks so highly of him and speaks of him like a ...
Manager: so .. he treats his son in the same way
Manager: but he never says that he is khalifa
Mohamed: right.. but he doesn't consdier him a sheikh
Mohamed: right
Mohamed: ur father feels it
Manager: may be
Manager: what worries me
Mohamed: but does he feel emptiness without the sheikh?
Manager: this is really an interesting question
Manager: i never though of it this way
Manager: i never thought of it
Mohamed: no replacement?
Manager: no
Mohamed: tough
Manager: look .. i respect my father a lot and I love that he spent all of his life in mosques and in serious stuff
Manager: but what worries me is that .. i feel sometimes that there are some fundamental stuff that can be missing
Manager: i don't know how to explain
Manager: let's go back to sufism
Mohamed: the most fundamental thing is connecting with God.. finding urself in relation to God.. fundemental but the toughest thing to achieve
Manager: yes .. but you get to this by putting Allah ahead of everything ..which we are not strong enough to do sometimes
Mohamed: who is Allah?
Manager: what do you mean ?
Mohamed: u talk of Him as if he's a person or thing.. that u place somewhere
Mohamed: rather.. u feel.. and become one with
Manager: hmmm
Manager: well, don't know about becoming one w/ him
Mohamed: and that's a difficult state to reach
Manager: but no ..i don't agree
Manager: you don't become one w/ him
Mohamed: why so?
Mohamed: didn't he blow into our souls
Mohamed: isn't He the Creator
Mohamed: The One
Manager: yes, he did
Manager: yes, He is
Mohamed: how can he be there and we have something of Him at the same time!
Mohamed: if he is one
Manager: bas ..He says in Kor2an .. Nothing is like HIM
Mohamed: definetely.. and we are NOT him
Mohamed: but the creation is a reflection of His greatness
Mohamed: we are His creation.. His reflection
Manager: look ..He is with you .. with his Knowledge .. His
Manager: basira
Mohamed: He is the definition of those qualities
Manager: yes ...
Manager: my view is: You need to be connected to Him
Mohamed: sure
Mohamed: but how?
Manager: you live as He is the director of your life, your actions
Manager: your feelings and your priorities
Manager: He told you How
Mohamed: when He created you?
Manager: and when he sent you messengers to tell you How
Manager: doing everything that is "good" according to Allah's definition not our
Manager: avoiding anything that is "bad" according to Allah's definition not ours
Mohamed: yeah.. but this "doing" what about "being"
Manager: following his orders and avoiding his "nawahy"
Manager: yes ..bas being is a direct result of doing
Mohamed: What do you feel when you pray? (private question, don't have to answer)
Mohamed: or is it doing is a direct result of being
Manager: khaled kalemny tany ..
Mohamed: kheir?
Manager: beyes2al 3la 5 more members to be added
Mohamed: he wants to add them now?
Manager: sorry .. let's continue
Manager: he is asking when ..because he wants to hire someone
Mohamed: hire still?!!
Manager: bas he is not enough experience
Manager: so I told him ..same rules apply
Mohamed: i can't believe this.. he'll hire someone we rejected!
Manager: ya salam this the one ?
Mohamed: i guess so
Manager: wow ..
Mohamed: i don't know.. bass he's the only one i know he met
Manager: I told him that the candidate will go through the qualification process
Manager: he is saying he is good
Mohamed: 3ageeb khaled
Manager: any way ..back .. egg & chicken ..being or doing ?
Mohamed: yeah..
Manager: my thinking of this is:
Mohamed: being tab3an
Manager: you have your true nature .. pure one .. before being corrupted by environment
Mohamed: sure
Manager: this is the initial being .. then comes the external factors
Manager: and then doing is what keeps your connection w/ Allah your being gets more strong through soul food
Mohamed: "You have been created in the best form, yet you can become of a lowest form"
Manager: to fight the external factors
Manager: yes
Manager: true ..when you give up your connection to Allah
Mohamed: we don't disagree u know
Manager: and we change into animals to eat and reproduce
Manager: yes ..I know ..we agree
Mohamed: its how to reach that connection i guess that we're not sure of
Mohamed: or me atleast
Manager: well, I am not either .. I am just following a certain path
Mohamed: right.. follow the path they say
Manager: and so far ..
Manager: who is they ?
Mohamed: sufis :)
Manager: general ..u mean
Manager: :)
Manager: well, rasoul allah said it before them and Allah before all
Mohamed: yes.. exactly
Mohamed: see, so we're all sufis
Manager: yes
Manager: in the true concept
Manager: for sure yes
Manager: see .. I tell you that you surprise me
Mohamed: leih bass.. aren't we all searching
Manager: well ..
Manager: i guess yes
Mohamed: we're just not all ready yet i guess
Manager: yes ..i agree
Mohamed: anyway.. that was good.. thanks
Manager: I think so too ... thanks to you too

Monday, November 06, 2006

Love begins

The embryo is well protected. Takes a while to conceive. You know its there but can't touch it or get close. Then you only see it on the remote screen and feel it in your tommy. Then its gender is revealed. Then its delivered and only then is it realized.

Life begins

Saturday, November 04, 2006


Sitting in my balcony smoking a cigarette (I hope I never develop that habit). For three days now I wake up at 6 and can't finish my sleep. Thoughts of how she is abrupts my sleep. Triggered me from the first instance, and still does, but now in a much mellow way. Love to watch her. Watching all the angles. Don't want to miss a piece.

She's part of the scene, one with the surrounding, yet surely stands out. Very natural and unreserved. Free as a bird that's hopping on the ground. Her essence is Egyptian who values tradition, arriving from an outer world, but shares our space.

Does she remind me of the qualities I like most in the closest women in my life? What triggers me? I think I see in her what I would've liked to be! I keep asking for more, can't grasp she's real.

Pleased with the thought she's comfortable with me. Don't want to intrigue nor interest her, just want her to be, and allow me to watch.

She thinks we're similar. I don't see that. Maybe the non-obvious part in her is what connects with me.

"Through woman does man become whole, finds himself and then can find his Lord". Why is it through women that I try to find myself?!