Friday, January 13, 2006


She finally said it; "are you willing to commit to a foreigner?" Huh, didn't really think of it this way, and yes, that's what I've been realizing, yet not really accepting. I admire much of them, yet we are different in the core, us and them, our value-system is different, and that's the most important in a relationship. Well, atleast our perception and life view is very different. Maybe its just a difference in characters. If she loves you, shouldn't that be all! But without proper reasons, love doesn't last, good treatment doesn't last, a healthy relationship doesn't last. She loves you because she thinks you love her, and she loves your way of loving her. Not good enough reasons.

I admired the search of the roots and the mix of cultures, but there's no connection with those roots. Its a search to find and discover, but not to connect and to carry. That's how I handle other cultures, discover and observe, but not to connect and integrate. So neither of us will carry the other's culture and roots and live with them.

Can't help but have this internal sarcasm when she refers to God. Sometimes I speak out, "leave God out of it please."

Yes, their pragmatism, taking life easily with no red-lines and no taboos, and lack of His control might be of the reasons for their achievements. The strengh of faith, strength of my principles, and strengh of my values are becoming in question -but maybe they ought to be. They should be questioned yes, but in a different context.

We have nothing in common, we certainly don't match. We have turned out to be two extremes. Even if I think positively that we can work on this, or work around it to make this relationship work, I'm having one or two issues which are haunting me.

My mind tells me this relationship is a forced one, put together by two who artifically put theirselves together. I don't think our love is real, even hers which seems so strong, she can't share herself with me and I can't with her. I'm afraid that she and I just *want* to be in love. But she is different than me, she sees all the differences, she does not enjoy many of our moments together, yet she is very positive and does not give up. But for how long can she fool herself, people just don't matchup by force, and just being good to each other, respectful, tender and emotional doesn't build an interesting and good relationship.

My feelings are fading and we don't seem to enjoy each other. I don't enjoy being with you, and I believe neither do you, and I don't yearn to be with you, and that's a scary feeling to have now.

Along with all that, I'm just simply not what you want, and you're not what I want. I think I know who you are now, not the girl I thought I knew at first. While I thought this might be the compromise I should make, its very hard to compromise in this while being haunted by that.

Even the beauty I saw in your kindness, tenderness and loving character is starting to get distorted with the hard side of your character that I'm seeing. She'll put you at ease, but she'll do as she please.

I just don't see this relationship working out, can't see us as a right couple that can last in a healthy relationship anymore. Better end it now than later.

You should be putting your efforts and investing with another guy, in a different relationship. This one will not give you what you want, will not take you where you want to go.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

From Europe with love

Lots to write about. Don't think I'll write about any though.

Clash of cultures, this does really exist, as long as you try to integrate them. We are really different, us and them. We can play friends, try to understand and accomodate, but it takes a while to know where we're coming from. Lets accept our differences, but how can it be part of my intimate personal life? I've never been part of another culture, yet I've never accepted my own culture, but I've been comfortable with it. Now how can that other culture be part of my life? and me be comfortable with it?

Someone told me I try to know in order to be in control, have to get all the info. I feel lost with so many unknowns. Don't even know the language. I'm actually missing, not Egypt, but Canada here. Tonight's bar tender in the Irish pub was a Canadian girl, from Toronto, and this made me feel at home! finally someone speaking proper English.

Sex, a simple word, yet I'm realizing its complexity. I thought I knew a thing or two about it. Why is it taken so lightly by many?! Am I really complicating it, or is it a complicated topic? Another cultural difference, isn't it? People are different, genders are different, I am different. Another thing I can't comprehend or accept here.

She either wants to be controlled, or wants to control. why not just live and let live? Though its hard for me to do that too. One thing is for sure, I don't understand a thing, and that makes me lost.

I need a big goal to work on. Someone told me once, why not start small? That's a good advise.