Fear of commitment
I write too many personal posts in this blog that its turning into a very private and mushy blog, and I don't like that. I actually don't want to write this post, but I keep getting those thoughts in my head and they don't go away until I write them down, and then publish them here! So, although I really don't want to keep writing all that too personal stuff and analyze myself online, I can't help it, since its the only way I'll get it off my head and get on with other stuff in my life. Seems that this blog is working like a substitute for having a girlfriend! That's really the most important thing to me in a long term real relationship --sharing. Actually, since I'm not really sharing with the blog, but rather, with whoever reads it, then if you're reading this personal stuff, consider yourself my girlfriend for the period that you're reading it (guy or gal)! If you don't like that, then don't go on.
So (my dear girlfriend), I've realized that I'm a classic case of men's fear of commitment. I subconsciously act in ways to avoid commitment, and I've apparently been like that my entire life. Even with the girl I loved the most and was close to marry, whenever we were too close to this life-long commitment all those fears and worries about us start creeping up to my mind that I start giving her a hell of a time until she goes and does her crazy thing and eventually dumps me. Then we get back together and start all over. Until we finally came to our senses and ended it for good. Sorry babe, and be thankful that you got rid of me for good at last.
Imagine that such a guy, me, actually goes to setup meetings to meet potential brides for marriage. Sure, I want to settle down and I want to have a good stable long term healthy relationship, but I don't want the responsibility that comes with it, and I don't want to have kids yet. I'm a kid myself for God's sake.
So I go meet those girls I've been setup with, and in fact (for all those who didn't know what I meant in my earlier post) I feel that I am a prostitute, and I'm selling myself cheap. So if we ever end up meeting for a second time, I dump on her all the negative things I see in myself, even if I like the girl (actually, especially if I like the girl). I like it best when the girl doesn't like me and shortens the way for me.
I've realized this fear of commitment in the way I'm attracted to women too. I'm attracted to those who don't suit me and those who don't fit with me in a never-ending relationship, and who'd either dump me or kill me on the first turn. And those who probably suit me, are settled down, and are just "marriage material" by default, I'm just not attracted to, and am always afraid of getting bored of them and eventually strangling them.
But I have this fear of commitment with everything, not just women. Whenever I feel I'm stuck in a place I get very disturbed and dizzy. For example, although I would probably end up spending the rest of my life in Egypt doing nothing useful, but what would ease that on me is knowing that I can leave and end my commitment to this country anytime. Not that I'll sell it out, but that I can take a long break, and detach for a while.
Switching jobs have apparently turned out to be my favorite hobby. Five jobs in three years! I start a job and the thing that keeps me going (for as long as I go) is knowing that I can leave and go elsewhere when things get muddy and I can't stand it anymore. My friend who might be joining with me in my new job was just telling me yesterday that we should look beyond this job and see what we'll be doing next and how we can capitalize on it to start our own business later. Hell, that's the only way I look at jobs, not how to start my own business out of it, but I always look beyond it, and I know that I'll never stay in a job forever. That was also one of my greatest fears from going ahead and pursuing my PhD. Commit for 4 or 5 years. No way, not me.
A friend of mine advised me once to think of divorce whenever you think of marriage.
But you know my real problem is that I get attached. Too attached actually. And that's part of the reason I yearn for change; to discipline myself from that strong sense of emotional attachment. Can you imagine getting attached to something that you can't commit too, so you can't let go, so you end up dizzy like a bee.
You know what. These were probably some of the thoughts that I would not have been able to share with a girlfriend (nor my potential employer).
So.. is there hope for me?
35 comments:
Mohamed, I can relate to you on this topic. I could tell stories of my own avoidance of commitment but don't wish to bore you with the sordid details. So you see it is not just men that have this problem. You are not alone in this.
yes it seems that most of the guys in egypt fear of commitment and girls too ! regardless of the financial duty that relies on the man i see that the girls' responsibility and fear of commitment should be more as men can just go and have fun with their friends
that is not the case with women especially when they become mothers they may feel by so much responsiblity , i mean for example to travel or hang out freely or even play the sports freely
but yet i say that we can not have it all , i think there is something called self content , (reda) which is important in all the case. realizing that you are having a partner is a blessing thing if it was fine i mean it is as if you are having your best friend, and it was mentioned in quran that it is a blessingthing.
having kids is a bless, it is mentioned in quran too
i think it depends on how you percieve things in a harder way or in a pessimism way .
maybe things would work better when you come in situation and u dont fgeel by burden and maybe u would feel that u r in a better state,
i think we should have faith in God that by time things will be fine and will be workable and not a burden
weired enough, that many of my
relatives and aquaintances (males and females) who live abroad got married and they are still in college !!! maybe bec of the economic life
bec it is normal that they can support themselves form a job beside the college
too sorry for your ex . i mean i know some one whom her ex fiance did the same exactly bec of fear of commitment and she really got hurt, dont take the step again unless u r sure of urself but try to take it easy and believe that it is a blessing thing and not a burden
even if u didnt realize it now maybe few years later you will feel that
'i think we should have faith in God that ...'
Shouldn't we have faith in ourselves first... what is does faith in God has to do with 'things be fine and workable', I have a hard time understanding what does God has to do with that in the sense that you always talk about. God is not el-fanous el sehreee, you know.
Mohamed,
I can relate to being the one avoided (or pushed away--as in very recently this has happened to me)from fear of commitment on the man's part and also I've done it too, but not for a long time. It's a very serious thing to consider but also, I do think it's a blessing as someone mentions. One thing I noticed in my own life was that until I felt I had found the right career path I didn't feel I could make commitments to much of anything (unless it was artistic in nature). Once I figured that all out and am now working in a career I love, I definitely feel I could, and want to, make a commitment to a man and to a family. Or maybe I've just grown up...who knows. You'll figure it all out.
Brenda
www.lovepaintedhere.com
Roora, I'll send you the contacts of my ex to send her your condolonces. Fee eih ya 7agga!
And nothing 'becomes fine and workable' out of the blue kidda, just by having faith --"es3a ya 3abd wana as3a ma3ak"!
Mohamed,
I hear ya loud and clear. You've also brought up something which I never thought of: claustrophobia linked to fear of commitment. I'm terrible claustrophobic (must sit in an aisle seat on the plane, must know the exit to a building at all times, etc., etc.) and commitment-phobic, but I never thought they might be related.
I think not only is a fear of commitment a fear of boredom, but it also has to do with a fear of a lack of options. When I think of my friends/family who are married and have kids, I think of how limited their options are. If I were married with kids, I probably wouldn't be able to travel as much or spend days zoned out writing poetry.
Yes, how can you possibly write your poetry with those kids screaming and breaking things around you! You'd have to be like one of those mothers who gets a maid to raise them and tie them down to the chair. Tough choices.
Well, I'm not claustrophobic (i can imagine myself lying in a tight dark grave for a while, no problem, but I wouldn't want to commit to that grave!), but I'm very restless.
Might be related to this commitment thing to. When I was younger, and for a very long time, the thing that completely baffled me and was always trying to imagine but couldn't, is not God and where or how He is, but its this afterlife. I mean I can imagine the afterlife as a concept, but I just couldn't imagine how the afterlife could be forever. Forever ezzay ya3ny?!! and then after so many years of not being able to imagine that, I gave up.. forever forever, wana maly.
mo,
"And nothing 'becomes fine and workable' out of the blue kidda, just by having faith --"es3a ya 3abd wana as3a ma3ak"! "
people are different ya mohamed. depends on your level of faith, some people do put faith in everything they do. and in that i mean that they are motawakkeleen 3ala Allah. not motawakeleen. don't know the english word for that, do you?
means that you do what you can (es3a ya3ny) and trust in God to help you make the right decisions and to feel good. you do estekhara don't you? so you do use your faith of course in personal matters. wa ma tawfeekak illa billah. nothing in this life is gauranteed. everything could be lost or gained in a second. and i do believe also the way we feel about things can change and God can help us.
you should do your own homework,and also ask God to help you through this. our hearts are in the hands of God.
maybe this sounds a little absurd to you or someone else. as i said, it depend on how you view your faith and use it. some people apply their faith in everything in theirlife.
i know this sounds like a preach session, but it is not. the problem is that when anyone puts religion in the converstation they think it is preaching. and if it is advice with something else it isn't. i think your problem though is that you are a little too picky. you don't want to get tied down, because you can't find "the one". and you are afraid to settle and then find someone you like more and then it would be too late.
why don't you get off this setup business for a while, till you feel that you really need to get married. then you will be able to settle down i think. for now, i guess this blog is a good girlfriend. at least she doesn't cost you anything!
Doshar, you obviously didn't understand anything of what I've said. (Maybe I should've been more selective of who would be my girlfriend for the duration of reading this post!).
mohamed please dont address me again like eh ya 7agga bec this is not acceptable OK! i just wanted to focus that sometime sguys although they are the initiaters in the relation ,they just break up bec they cant carry the responsibilty and that would hurt the pther partner , just wanted to mention that if you dont mind
I belive that having faith helps you out bec after you take by reasons, you pray God that things wouldbe fine like whatyou do with estekhara ,
estekhara itself is one form of faith , after taking the reasons , so this is one of the forms
for example if someone is ill and he takes a treatment it may work and may not , wetook by the reasons , but still God 's faith is the one that helps out , like the hadith kodsy that u mentioned " ana 3nd 7osn than 3bdy"!
ok haal i just cant belive the way you talk about God like " God is not elfanoos elsehry "
ok we take by the reasons and do our best but who helps out at the end that it might work or nor after taking the reasons is God,
mohamed, i did not mean to be agressive. i was joking. don't know why you got defensive.
and feel free to be selective as you want in who would be your girl friend while reading this blog. definitely not my aim of reading the blog. i read it because i it is interesting sometimes even when i don't agree with your ideas.
Sorry Roora, I didn't know that "7agga" is an insult. I won't do it again.
BTW, you looked lovely in Rehab's katb kitab. Way to go baby..
Doshar, I wasn't defensive and I didn't think you were aggressive. You're just very wrong, that's all.
I have to admit that I don't really get what you are talking about. Can't follow the logic, or the faith parts of the conversation especially with this 'take reasons' thing. Not that you are right, or wrong, just coz I happen to think that God is not separate or is up there, or down here, waiting for us to take reasons and then he will proceed from this. Like having a check list for everyone. Sounds very human, to me.
Anyways, I read before that 'to God we dont particularly exist as individuals...' not sure if this was Averros or avicena!!! I find it amuzing actually.
Lou, so you're like my friend who advised me to think of divorce to ease the thoughts of marriage!
If you know the future is not yours, how come you worry so much??
Mohamed,
To me fear of commitment means you're not ready for it yet. Nothing wrong with indulging your wanderlust, being restless, exploring, learning. Life is too short yes but not so short we can't stretch our wings a little.
I have a fear of commitment but when it grabs hold of me I just tell myself nothing in this life is really commitment. It's all so temporary.There's always a way back.It's just a matter of risk assessment.Is something worth the risk of trying or not?
Don't really think of work as a commitment. If I like my job I stay. If not am free to look around & move on.No commitment involved. I stay as long as I want to.
Love & marriage are more tricky. I'd only commit to someone who I feel I can't live without. At least for now. Then it's a choice between 2 pains. It would be painful to lose him now. And it might be even more painful at some point in the future if I get more involved & it fails.
Then the choice certain loss now or possible bigger loss in the future. To me I'd buy happiness now. The future is not mine to know. Tomorrow I might be dead. So make here & now as good as possible & leave tomorrow for God.
"If you know the future is not yours, how come you worry so much??
"
I said that's what I tell myself. I didn't say I always listen:) I'd worry yes but I'd still go for it. Wouldn't go so far as to make myself miserable now because of my fears about the future.Not if am happy with him now.In the end today is what we have & not tomorrow. And I don't want to be without him today.
But I'd only be tempted to take the risk if I was that emotionally involved. Can't do without him kind of involved. Would never do it for someone I only liked or had a crush on. Would never do just to get married. Just wouldn't be worth being tied down & feeling stifled.
P.S.Sorry I deleted my last comment once to fix a spelling mistake & post it again. Then another time by mistake. Will try to concentrate more next time:)
But you want the future to be perfect Lou, so even if you go ahead with it, you're not satisfied, no?
I'm like you, if I'm not emotionally involved (however I meet her), I just can't proceed. God blessed me with emotions, so I can't imagine proceeding in a life without enjoying them and sharing them. Wouldn't want that part to die in me.
PS. Don't worry about concentrating. Its only blogging ;)
I don't get this notion of being afraid of finding someone better, and thinking that I've made the wrong decision. How unfair, to my partner and to myself.
This is one thing I know will not happen to me --finding someone better than the person I'm with. If I'm emotionally involved with her, and I've made a somewhat sane decision in choosing her, then khalas, that's it. I get so consumed in the relationship that I can't think outside it. If I meet an angel coming down from heaven, it won't make me think twice about my choice.
What would make me worry however, is not how my partner is compared to others, but how my partner is compared to what I want, and what I'm looking for. If that's ever satisfied, than I'm in heaven.
"But you want the future to be perfect Lou, so even if you go ahead with it, you're not satisfied, no."
Satisfied?See this requires a bit of self-knowledge. I know I'll never be satisfied. Don't have it in me to be satisfied.Neither do you no?
And btw I don't just worry about him not satisfying me. An even bigger fear is of not satisfying him, not making him happy & therefore losing him.
Will always be restless. Will always be afraid. He can't do anything about that.And if I love him I'd rather have him & my worries than only my worries:)
Thing is am multi-dimensional. I can feel more than one thing at a time.Yes the fear/restlessness/worry is always there but with the right person that won't be the dominant emotion. The emotional/intellectual fulfillment, the sharing, the warmth, the passion. Those are the things that will be in the forefront of my mind.That's what will keep me there.
He's got to be someone who is self-confident & secure enough for me to be able to share my worries & restlessness if something triggers them though.If he reacts by getting worried himself or being offended then the relationship is hopeless.
You've got to know yourself well enough to tell the difference between a dissatisfaction because of something important you need missing in your partner or the relationship and a dissatisfaction that is just you being your perfectionist, restless self.If you can do that I think you'll be able to keep the fear of commitment in its proper perspective.
Yeah Lou, I hate to admit it, but I'll never be satisfied --and I think that might be a sin!
Sounds like you know exactly what you want. But then again, I think we all do. Just that its impossible to find that perfect person to fit our exact mold, eh. So we need to stop worrying, and enjoy what we have.
I think you got it right, the fear of commitment comes from wanting everything around me perfect (although I know very well that I'm far from perfect myself). I don't mind an imperfect world that I can live with however.
Wow. I feel bigtime ignored :(
Egyptiansally,
We are in the year 2005 the old image about marriage described here is gone long time ago. Mothers are not sitting in their night gown with dirty children running around them naked...this is a terrible image :)
If you are in control of your life and you are highly organized nothing will take away your love to poetry or dreams. Marriage should never take your identity away from you. You will be in the wrong marriage if it does.
You will be able to travel, ski, write poetry, date your husband :), excercise,...etc you will need to make special arrangements.
Don't let other people experiences taunt your image about marriage. Raising children is wonderful and very satisfying to some women who chose to be mothers not have to be mothers because of society pressures.
A young intellectual wife and mother these days can do miracles trust me!
DNA,
Hello Planet Earth calling which planet are you in lol!
Twosret, hi i liked your comment , but how can that happen to enjoy yur life and do ur hobbies with children in babies age , i mean this might happen i guess tyo practice my hobbies in sports when the kids are at school and i am not working so i would have free time in the morning ,
my friends who are mothers and enjoying their time, actually they either take their kids with them in their outings and most of the time they leave them at their mothers , i dont know but this sounds very tiring for mothers "(i mean mothers of mothers )
but yeah may be organization can help out and i liked this part " raising children is wonderful " , i t is not an easy task but at the end of the day it is a gift
mohamed,
BTW , it was reham's katb ketab not rehab !!
Mo, you made me think about why I choose the worst men to be atracted to in a very different way...I guess I don't like what I am seeing there! About never being satisfied...Who knows? I really find it hard to want what I get and not get what I want, but hey, never say never! Maybe one day you'll find that girl who is perfect for you and you'll be so very dizzy because of different reason and you'll wake up one day loving her "truly, madly, deeply" and not wanting to let her go ever...And right then your fear will seem so far away! Oh, well, hope is the last to leave me, in what I and people I know are concerned!
Twosret:
Key words: "If you are in control of your life and you are highly organized." I'm anything but that. I agree that motherhood can be rewarding in its own right, without taking away other pleasures. But I don't think I would know how to balance that just yet. And sometimes certain people just aren't cut out for motherhood. I think society pressures couple to have children because of its ideal nuclear family image, when in reality parenthood isn't for everyone.
But it sounds like you're having a great time :)
Did you end up going to the wedding in Boca?
Egyptiansally,
I think I have made a Conscious decision to be a wife, mother and my own person since I got married. I'm focused to keep the balance and make sure my priorities are clear. I'm learning everyday to be better.
My life before marriage was all about career and future and personal fulfillment . Didn't know what marriage or motherhood will bring to my life. I discovered that I'm cut to be a mother as you say and really enjoying it. I had to compromise my career to be the domestic Goddess :), it was a tough decision to make, but I can always find a job again after babies go to school.
The formula is simple, you work on your marriage,happy parents happy babies and marriage is what is gonna last when children becomes adults, give space to each other as a couple for personal development and interest, and do your best as parents. That is what worked for me.
I know that the marriage world have gone mad especially here in the US with 50% divorce rate. That doesn't mean that the rest of the 50% are misreable.
The wedding is this weekend :) Do you have an e-mail?
Best of luck
mohamed; wouldn't your sought-after spouse's-perfection be compromised by them picking a (self-professed) unperfect spouse? (am I correct in sensing a catch22?)
Yes yes Zoss, she's imprefect if she's accepted me! But I can definetely live with many imperfections in my partner. They just have to be the right ones.
That's a pretty wise comment lp. If you see it that way, why do you find what your boyfriend did hurtful? And if you explain to him how much you understand, do you think it could make a difference?
Well everyone there are too many comments up there that i don't know who to address in my comment, however i'll be sharing my story incase anyone has some advice. well i must say i'm an Egyptian girl, who just new the term commitment phobia yesterday night and it has put me down and depressed me so much, i never new i had a phobia till i opened the net yesterday and searched the word commitment hoping to find some advice, to suddenly find this whole new world of phobia's, its not like having this phobia is new, but i never new it was a well known term.
Reading some of the characteristics and stages of the person suffering from commitment phobia, i could identify myself with every single word, and it made me cry, cry for knowing that it will happen again, and that the person i like so much will suffer the same way others have before.
I have divorced parents, and i've been broken hearted b4, but i never thought this had such a major effect on me subconciously.
Some of you are lucky enough to have fallen in love long enough reaching to the point of fear of marriage, i hardly reach the point of falling in love, i get a huge crush, i think i find Mr. Perfect and then it all happens all over again and i get my panic, i start disliking the person, loosing interest, actually not standing the person and i fail to open up. And at this point i fall into severe depression, and runaway hurting someone else, finding any fault in the person to prove that i wasn't mistaken.
Someone above called us childish and asked us to grow up, but i must tell you its not like we mean it, and when this happens it hurts me more than anyone else, the thought that it's happening again just kills me.....
If anyone has any advice about what should be done in such a situation please let me know cause.
Hello all!
I have a psychology degree.
Ok, firstly this problem will NEVER go away on its own or when we find "the one" for us. It NEEDS very thorough investigation and some help with dealing with the associated anxieties.
This is such an important issue and I think all commitment phobics need to take some time out to ask, 'do I want to waste my life sabotaging what I secretly want so much which is love and intimacy?' and if the answer is no then actively get out there, search the internet for answers (there is a lot written about it), read about relationships (there are millions of books on the subject available through Amazon or other online stores) and talk to a counsellor who will help you keep your head when the fear takes hold (which I know in some cultures isn't really the done thing but come on people, we only have one life and no one needs to know you have talked to a professional!!).
The fear won't go away when you find the right person, in fact it will get bigger as you will fear losing or failing them MORE THAN EVER. And personally I would hate to bear the burden of finding someone I admire above all others and then knowing I have hurt them as I have a problem in my own head and heart THAT I DIDN'T TRY TO GET EXPERT HELP WITH. And people it's just NOT OKAY to hurt others, even if it is because of your own fears. I have done this in my past and can speak from my heart here as I acknowledge my own wrongdoings. We have a responsibility to treat others on this earth well and many of us have had lives and childhoods of pain, trauma and disappointment. Respect yourself and others and seek healing and knowledge.
It's not about finding perfection but having the control over our fears to stay solidly in a relationship until we know for sure is this person right or wrong for us. Jumping in and out and getting caught up in fears is not how we find this out.
I don't mean to judge, I know I talk straight but please, don't take offence. I just want to share what I have found out in my own life.
Fear of commitment is terrible... because it doesn not let you decide of ur life... it's hard to control ur life... ur fear does...
I so much things... I have this syndrome severely... I walk out of jobs after 2 weeks, sabotage myself, sabotage relationships... It sucks big time... I always end up alone, where i started... with nohting and nobody...
I dont know if it's really fear, it's more like obsession... obsession to quit my job, obsession to sabotage my relationship... I think i'm doing it for the right reason.. but when i do it, then i realise that i let something take control of me.
I still dont know if it's really fear, or lack of discipline or self confidence. Bottom line is my life is no fun...
Good luck. I'm getting hypnotherapy next week, and i hope itll help...
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