Monday, October 09, 2006

Getting "There"

So you're in that state in what sense?
Well, in that I don't feel His presence all the time. In that I feel a big void in my life. In that I'm searching for a big meaning, which I don't completely grasp yet. In that if all the meaning is really in the Divine Himself, that's fine by me, but then I need to experience that Divine Presence. More strongly and intensly than what I am experiencing now --if any.

The "void" is not there regarding god in the sense that i absolutely believe in him, only just but i still do. I'm not saying that i've lost all faith in my religion or religion in general but religion alone isn't doing it i guess. So what i'm looking for is obviously something that will ultimately lead to knowing god and in a way accepting god and having more faith or any faith. It's not enough for me to just know that god exists. I'm not looking for anything formal and don't feel that a religion or anything else is necessary to worship god, this is why buddhism, hinduism didn't really appeal, though as philosophies they're great. Sufism to me is more practical, while philosophy questions, sufism, i think, provides the answers and i didn't realise it was still around because the books i'd read were all way back in the day. And yeah i have that void too when it comes to god and question a lot but so far i'm not an atheist yet. I don't think which religion or which path you follow to god matters, as long as it gets you there, so i guess nothing has got me there so far.

For some people, religion can encompass everything. It can contain all the spirituality you're looking for. But if religion is used as a formality only, getting a sense of security by doing the rituals that everyone says will lead you to heaven, then its separate. That's probably why i'm a bit disillusioned by religion or the way it's become routine and technical to me at least.

I never really questioned islam till recently, before that i was looking for something spiritual alongside islam. When i started reading the sunna and sharia and different interpretations and mazaheb that's when i realised i can't be sunna as i don't agree with it. When it comes to god though i still believe in him. I believe in the Quran too and find it quite spiritual actually, but sometimes i question some of the things in it and wonder if it will infact get in the way of me getting "there". So i've decided i won't concern myself with religion and labels till i get somewhere and mainly feel that i'm there spiritually. Hopefully then things will make a bit more sense. I call myself a muslim because by my interpretation of the Quran i'm still a muslim i guess....

I think I lost the meaning in everything, and I am mostly looking for a meaning more than anything. Its interesting to me that everyone will give you a different answer as to the meaning of their lives. Everyone makes their own meaning, sets their goals and dreams and try to achieve them, and that gives them meaning. Some find meaning in the journey itself. I was very set on my own meaning, a material one for a long time. But I'm not sure now, its not doing it, and all the 'material' meaning/goals seem finite. So I'm thinking it can't be just that, it must be something beyond my incapable mind and simple way of thinking, it must be something spiritual. It must be a non-trivial explanation of our lives, yet a very simple one. Something that you can't explain with so much theories, but can feel and gives you comfort and motivation, and then all the material goals become tiny and irrelevant.


Anonymous said...

Oh God, welcome to the club Mo.
I have been struggling like you are for while now, how I still call my self a believer in God, but not sure about anything any more.
A lot of things I used to believe in are falling apart, but I am happy to be in this state, and I will even happier what this road will take me, whatever that will be.
Please check this blog as well

MechanicalCrowds said...

Truth does not necessarily promise happiness.

Mohamed said...

But happiness is not necessarily the goal!

Jannah said...

you've started with Sunna and Mazaheb????

why not the Seera? and ahadith about human nature and spiritually? ahadith about what this whole life is all about?