Al Nafs al lawwama
Last night's prayers were okay. As usual, I can't follow every single verse being read. My mind was mostly occupied with what I'm planning to do on Sunday. My mind grabs a verse every few verses being recited. A verse triggered me, got my tears ready to go for the rest of the night. Looked for the verse in the Quran after the prayer, but couldn't find it, and now I dont' even remember it.
The best part was actually the half-time Khutba, which I usually dislike and try to avoid. But yesterday's was interesting, and the guy was very reasonable, logical and pleasant in his way of talking. He decided to talk about AlNafs for the coming few khutbas. Just gave an overview of what he'll talk about, and I loved it that I wanted to go thank him after the prayers to encourage him to delve as deep as he can into it. من عرف نفسه عرف الله. Among the different states of the human nafs, the highest state is alNafs almotma'enna -- ارجعى الى ربك راضية مرضية. Its not Satan but its our Nafs. There is no one state for each different nafs, but a multitude of states for each one nafs. He reiterated what I believe, and it was good to hear it, which made me eager to see how deep he'll go with this. He finished the khutba and I was about to applaud in the middle of the mosque!
By the end of the prayers, nafsy allawama started acting on me and I couldn't hold my tears. But I really wanted to turn around and slap those two guys praying next to me on their faces for shouting ya Allah so loud. Shut the fuck up. Wondered how different people try to reach God in such different ways.
Today, I still couldn't find that verse that started my tears last night, but my reading ended when this verse got to me hard:
فَاسْتَجَابَ لَهُمْ رَبُّهُمْ أَنِّي لَا أُضِيعُ عَمَلَ عَامِلٍ مِنْكُمْ مِنْ ذَكَرٍ أَوْ أُنْثَى بَعْضُكُمْ مِنْ بَعْضٍ فَالَّذِينَ هَاجَرُوا وَأُخْرِجُوا مِنْ دِيَارِهِمْ وَأُوذُوا فِي سَبِيلِي وَقَاتَلُوا وَقُتِلُوا لَأُكَفِّرَنَّ عَنْهُمْ سَيِّئَاتِهِمْ وَلَأُدْخِلَنَّهُمْ جَنَّاتٍ تَجْرِي مِنْ تَحْتِهَا الْأَنْهَارُ ثَوَابًا مِنْ عِنْدِ اللَّهِ وَاللَّهُ عِنْدَهُ حُسْنُ الثَّوَابِ
